I hate her. I love her.

I hate her. 

I grew my toenails out and cut them into points.  We were 8 and if sister bedmate crossed the line – I wasn’t afraid to cut.

I love her.

I backed the fair bully into a pig stall and told her I would kick her ass, make her eat swine shit, and tell everyone she loved it if she didn’t leave my family alone.  No one picks on my sister, but me.

I hate her.

I tied all her shoes together, called her a fat cow, and said, “I choose my friends but you, you I just got stuck with.”

I love her.

I was terrified and I was sick.  I didn’t have ‘it’ anymore. I had lost my nerve.  But, I practiced for months, I knew the songs and I stood up in front of everyone and poured the heart of my music into the church of her choice.  It was her day.  The day she married her beloved. 

I hate her.

I screamed at her that she was undependable, unreliable and a pathetic excuse for a sister.  I threw her stuff on the floor and stormed out.  She had locked my keys in my apartment over the weekend and trapped my dog inside.  I couldn’t get in.  It was late.  How could she be so stupid?  I mean come on, all she had to do was walk the damn dog and she couldn’t even get that right.

I love her.

Life got hard.  Really hard, and she didn’t want to see anyone.  No one understood and I was 1500 miles away.  So, I did what any big sister does… I booked the trip, flew back home and filled the room where she slept with presents.  At sunrise we had a surprise baby shower, just the three of us.

I hate her.

It’s been a year since we’ve talked.  Why doesn’t she call?  I’m the one who was always there.  I wasn’t the best sister (I didn’t tell the worst things I have done) but I was the one who loved her with all of my heart.  I was the one that listened.  I was the one that showed up.   Dammit.  Why, why doesn’t she call?

She is my family, my best friend, my sister, my mirror, and my person.  She is an extension of who I am.  When I breathe, it is part of her I exhale.  Everyday.  And in this moment, I’m still figuring out who I am without her.

I love her.

10 Ways to Turn Yourself On

• It’s rich. It’s bold.  A touch of class, wrapped in gold.  Or the down and dirty give it to me now type: I like both in my scotch and my chocolate… especially when I call it dinner.
• Yo Yo Ma.  Oh. Oh.  Ohhhhh. Yo. YO. MaaaaAAAAA.
• Panties.  I rarely wear ‘em.  Sometimes a little lace against my skin gets me going and makes me aware of all that is under where?  Oh yeah, under there.
• Bass.  Bass at home.  Bass in a bar.  Bass at a club.  Bass in the back of a car with a big… ya know, bass.  I love bass.
• Sweating.  The heart pounding, heavy breathing, dripping wet kind.
•  My favorite FMP’s.  No man required.  They make me hot.
•  Storms.  My, my Nature’s gotta a naughty way with foreplay.  Maybe it’s the rumble… maybe it’s the electricity.  But anything that vibrates and lights up works for me.
• Music with a beat.  Music that makes me move.  Music that starts with some heat and finishes in a groove.
• Outfits with an attitude.  Especially those that carry a theme: sexy school teacher, rocker with pearls, proper without panties.  Contradiction is causation for an eternal hard on.
• Books.  They can be young or old, fresh or wise, hard or… traded in for something new.

 

 

No BS Allowed!

I am just me.  And as me, just being me, I can tell you that I have the attention span of a gnat, a voracious appetite for adventure, a mouth that curses like a sailor gone wrong, and an inner child that lives balls out. 

I have screwed up a lot.  I mean it.  A LOT.   I like this about me.  It is what makes me a great friend and a great coach.  Beyond the entertainment value, you know there is never any judgment.  I have most likely been in your shoes.  Not once will I say “I told you so…” I usually go in the opposite direction of well meaning advice from others.  You will never hear that I have all the answers, because only you know your truth.  All of my mistakes, whimsical decisions, and cracker jack choices are why I know a lot about how to pick your self back up and put yourself together, again.

 

            “I have climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.” 
                                                                                                             – Mae West

                                                                                                     

It is called the art of turning inward.   Each blunder offers us the opportunity to repeatedly demonstrate that only the thoughts around what we are experiencing have the ability to perpetuate our suffering or set us free.  This is why it is so important to ask really great questions; because in return, we get really great answers. 

If I didn’t know these things, I would be dead.  Seriously.  Not getting it right the first time means that I got really good at practice and even better at practicing my practice.

If you want to uncover the catalyst that drives your behavior come sit next to me.  I don’t know your answers, but I do have some blow your mind, no bullshit allowed, tools in my belt to assist you in becoming the navigator of your life.

Related Posts:

What do you Want?
I Believe
I Create

Sex. Spirit. Synergy.

This titillating trio is what I will spend the rest of my life experiencing in outrageous splendor. Living, touching, and breathing my trifecta, from the inside out. Passion is life lived and it is meant to be spent relishing in the details, bathing in exploration, diving into the depths, and moving into rhythm of a new understanding.

God isn’t dead. She is found in what excites you. He is hidden where arousal begins. Turn yourself on with the possibility of life and the Universe cannot help but to court your desires.

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”   -Henry Thurman

What turns you on?  Does the life you lead make you feel aroused and excited?  Where do you find passion everyday? What does making love to your essential self look life?  Are you smitten with this moment? 

 

Related Fun (and more sex):
10 Ways to Turn Yourself On
What do YOU want?

 

The Art of Practice

Stories are told highlighting the success of an individual, one who overcomes all odds on his way to declaring victory.  The main character looks adversity in the eye, and goes to battle.  In our tales, conflict is experienced and a few small battles are lost along the way but the majority of the focus lies in the final outcome: The big W against the fabled war. 

These stories are at the very essence of human nature and it is even better when we can fit our modern mythology into an action packed two hour big screen production.  I too enjoy the entertainment but what I am most interested in is the process that brought the hero(ine) to the outcome.  What were they telling themselves each time an obstacle was placed in their path?  What were they thinking along the way?  What is their belief system?  What is their method for creating goals and achieving them?  Now, this is the stuff I live for.

What I know is that challenges are not won by those who are the most gifted, the most intelligent, the ones with the most luck… but by those with the greatest perseverance, the most passion and always, always by those with the most dedication to practice.  Our past President Calvin Coolidge states it best:

“Nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Perseverance and determination alone are omnipotent.”

 In my Raw Food and Hot Yoga challenge this is what I have learned:

• I clearly underestimated the emotional and physical strength necessary to complete this challenge
• I absolutely overestimated my beginning level of fitness
• In order to continue to move forward mental flexibility is required
• My food selection is a mirror of my inner world
• The understanding that mistakes will be made and finding the beauty and acceptance in imperfection
• I am learning how to: Try Easy
• I am capable of much more than I think I am
• Practice, practice, practice

I have struggled with unexpected physical issues and this has impacted my consistency.  I contracted strep (two days out).  I pinched my sciatic nerve that made yoga impossible (3 days out).   I let my mind run willy nilly which also cost me (2 days). 

I think this is an important part of the story to tell.   I have not performed perfectly and I have not achieved what I set out to do… yet.  I am, however, learning how to turtle step my way thru big ideas, creating a deeper level of self intimacy, and most importantly I am developing the art of practice.